@heyitsJudeD

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

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@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

@realHamOnWry

I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.

@fro_vo

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@NewDadNotes

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

@Ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.