Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other