why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
You Might Also Like
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef