Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.