Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there