Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

i really liked this one

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow