I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.