why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
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Schrödinger’s cookie
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
he looks great for his age
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Multitask? I can barely unitask
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]