why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
wish me luck lads
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
🤣dope
