Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us