Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
lol
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord