Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
lol
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.