Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I remember when things only cost an arm.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.