Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
He wanted to make sure😂
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Unmatched
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Living the best life.. 😊
💀😭
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space