Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend