Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets