Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.