Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”