Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”