Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

☠️ ☠️