Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
You Might Also Like
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body