Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

The old gods are rising again.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?