Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.