Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.