Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
technically true but not a great slogan
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
When I said I liked it rough.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.