Why is no one talking about this?!
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.