Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.