Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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*praying for world peace*
God:
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
That’s easy for you to say
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.