Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*