Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
You Might Also Like
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me irl
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.