Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad