Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
You Might Also Like
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?