why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
😭😭
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?