why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
based
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug