why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
How software testing works
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The first matador
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.