Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just say no

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

[shakes fist at other fist]

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

What the hell happened here.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.