Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”