Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

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..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!