Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
