Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
This guy gets it.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.