Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
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“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*