Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.