Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
For when Tinder doesn’t work
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
