WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!