WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
work smarter, not harder
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what