WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”