WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
what’s more important?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old