why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan