why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Windchimes
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.