why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
This is not me but this is me
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
smh
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.