Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My new favorite headline
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist