Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I need this for my side hustle.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck