Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Blew my mind.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady