Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Stop sending me this shit.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: