Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[eats all your cotton candy]
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies