Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?