Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.