Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.