Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

im gay on my mothers side

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Rather alarming headline…

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”