Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
12. I think about this all the damn time
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My blood type is b hungry.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight