Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
O Wise One….
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.