Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The Compass
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?