Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Family Celebrity

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.