Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.