Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac