why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set