Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
You Might Also Like
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
the three branches of government
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.