Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”