Things the GOP has battled this week:
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?
P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
Went to the gym and asked the trainer.
Could you help me do splits?
Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?
Me: I can only do Thursday.