Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy