Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
You Might Also Like
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
what’s more important?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I have a black belt in leather
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.