Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
smartest karate player in the world
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.